Silenced and Dismissed: The Destructive Power of Invalidation

What is Validation?

In our journey through life, we often find ourselves seeking validation from others. Whether it's from our peers, loved ones, or society at large, validation serves as a fundamental affirmation of our feelings, experiences, and identity. However, on the flip side of validation lies its sinister counterpart: invalidation. This subtle yet potent force has the power to undermine our sense of self-worth and erode our emotional well-being.

What is Invalidation?

Invalidation can manifest in various forms, from outright dismissal of our thoughts and feelings to more subtle forms of belittlement and disregard. It can occur in personal relationships, professional settings, and even within ourselves. At its core, invalidation denies our reality, leaving us feeling misunderstood, marginalized, and invalidated.

One of the most insidious aspects of invalidation is its ability to go unnoticed. Unlike overt forms of abuse or criticism, invalidation often operates under the radar, disguised as well-meaning advice or casual remarks. Yet, its effects can be just as damaging, if not more so, precisely because of its subtlety. Imagine pouring your heart out to someone, only to be met with a dismissive shrug or a flippant remark. Or expressing your struggles and insecurities, only to have them minimized or trivialized. These experiences chip away at our sense of self-worth, leaving us feeling unseen, unheard, and invalidated.

A common example of invalidation that we frequently encounter is when a friend or loved one opens up about their sadness and hurt following a breakup. Often, the response is something along the lines of, "Oh, you're so much better off without them," or "They didn't deserve you anyway," or even, "You shouldn't be upset, you should be happy! You dodged a bullet by ending things with them.” Although these are well intentioned remarks, they also completely invalidate and disregard the person’s feelings. Their sadness and hurt no longer matter because the loss of the relationship is ultimately “for the best”. Alternatively, a validating remark may look like, "wow, I can see how upsetting this situation is for you. You really loved them." In these moments, we often need to sit with the emotion and let it pass on its own, instead of pushing it down with various narratives.

Why is invalidation so harmful? 

Firstly, it undermines our sense of agency and autonomy. When our thoughts, feelings, and experiences are dismissed or invalidated, it sends a message that our emotions are wrong or bad. Over time, this can lead to feelings of powerlessness and self-doubt, eroding our confidence and self-esteem.

Secondly, invalidation breeds shame and self-blame. When we're repeatedly told that our emotions are unwarranted or exaggerated, we internalize these messages, believing that there's something inherently wrong with us. This internalized shame can have far-reaching consequences, affecting every aspect of our lives and relationships.

Furthermore, invalidation can exacerbate mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and trauma. When our experiences are invalidated, we're denied the opportunity to process and heal from them effectively. Instead, our emotions fester beneath the surface, manifesting as unresolved trauma or psychological distress. Invalidation also perpetuates cycles of dysfunction in relationships. When one partner consistently invalidates the other's feelings and experiences, it creates a toxic dynamic characterized by resentment, mistrust, and emotional distance. Over time, this can erode the foundation of the relationship, leading to its eventual demise.

How Do We Combat Invalidation and its Harmful Effects?

It starts with fostering a culture of empathy, respect, and understanding. We must learn to validate each other's experiences, even if we don't necessarily agree with them. Validation absolutely does not mean we have to agree, condone or enable harmful behaviour, but rather, we can acknowledge and validate the underlying emotions driving that behaviour.

Additionally, we must practice self-validation, learning to trust and honour our own experiences without seeking external validation. This involves cultivating self-awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing self-care. By validating ourselves, we become less reliant on others for validation, thereby reducing the impact of invalidation.

Thus, by understanding the harmful effects of invalidation and actively working to combat it, we can create healthier, more supportive relationships and cultivate a greater sense of self-worth and resilience. Remember, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be seen, heard, and valued, even if they don’t always seem to make sense.